Out of Alignment.

I am so completely out of my element with this one.

And I know everyone that reads this that doesnt really know me is going to think I am some stuck up whore, but at this point, I couldnt care less.

This is so different from anything else Ive ever been involved in. I mean, I cant call him my boyfriend, because we dont want something so serious, but there is really no other way to describe him. But he scares me beyond belief. Because for the first time, Im not in control of what happens. He doesnt follow my every wish and command. He isnt afraid to make fun of me. He isnt constantly checking up on me and complimenting me every second he gets. Now dont get me wrong, all this is why I think Im so attracted to him, but it scares me. I dont wanna be one of those clingy, obsessive girls texting him every 5 seconds, but I want to talk to him. For the first time i feel like someone has the power to hurt me. Im afraid one day hes gonna find something or someone far better than me and able to offer so much more and discard me as if nothing happened. I am majorly stressing. Ive never been so worried that I was going to get hurt in the end. Ive never had to restrain myself in fear of scaring him away. Mehhh.

Deadline.

Wake up. Face reality. Face your problems.

Who are you?

I know people change. Sometimes not for the best, but it happens. But everytime I learn something new it surprises me more and more. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

You go around acting like the big man. Clubbing. Smoking. Drinking. Flirting. Being an idiot. You try and communicate through Myspace surveys your opinions. You think it will effect me. And it does, just not in the way you think. Before I would reminisce on the goood times, but now, I thank myself for getting out of this disaster. You are no where near the person I thought you were. You are disinigrating. I dont speak to you and I know this and yet these people you surround yourself with, these people you rely on, these people you think are your very best friends, cant even see how much they are destroying you.

I know youre depressed. I know youre worried. And scared, and alone, and nervous, and immature, and everything else. And you know it too. SO FACE IT. You have less than two weeks to fix yourself before you are slapped with reality harder than you or I could ever imagine. And if this is the way youre going to leave things, I wont be surprised if you cant handle it. BEcause if you cant face the problems you have now. While youre in the safety and protection of this suburb, then youre sure as hell not going to handle getting the shit kicked out of you day after day with no one by your side.

Soon, its going to be too late.

What Weve Done

So tonight I had a talk with my father. And as much as I hate to admit it, these talks remind me how much my father can control my cry complex. There we are sitting in the living room when he turns down the tv, something he rarely does, and begins to talk to me about his feelings, which he never does. He gives me this hour long, no exaggeration, talk. My father doesnt talk. I didnt know it was possible for him to talk this long when it wasnt about transformers (not the robot aliens, the things that keep our power running) or work in some way. But here was this man ive learned to have a slight deterence from, sitting there, trying to explain things to me. He talked about the economy, and how hard its been for him and how scared he is that because of it I wont get the life i deserve and how hes trying to do his best to send me to the best college. Then he jumps into talking about how I am his proud and joy and there is nothing in his life as important or special to him as me and that im his miracle child and how there is always a special place for me with him. And i dont say anything. Through all of this talk I literally couldnt speak. I just sat there and listened. And somehow held back all but three tears. I felt so guilty for all those times i chose my friends over going to see him and all those times i made our visits so short to do bigger things. But as I thought of all this, i also thought about all the bad things. About how many hurtful things he has ever said to me and how no matter what his words end in me crying. I dont know how im supposed to determine the truth in this or what this tells me of our relationship. I wish though i could tell my father everything that im feeling, but this is me we are talking about. That just doesnt happen. I dont know what the purpose of all this or what the hidden meaning is, but all i know is im going to sea world tomorrow. Bring on Shamu.

Please

I have a new dream. My dream is that one day a boy who I have feelings for will play and sing me the song Cailin by Unwritten Law.

Thats all.

They say love conquers all. I have to disagree. Because it seems everything in my life cannot be solved simply by love. I cant be with someone who loves me and i love. I cant be with someone who loves me and i love. No matter how much love is shared, right now, its impossible. But the pain involved in this love is becoming too much to handle. Im at a loss of what is right. What is wrong. What is beneficial. My selfish being and my fickle brain are working together to destroy me psyche slowly and efficiently.

Replacement

The passing of time brings new realizations. And considering i havent blogged in a decent amount of time its not surprising ive realized somethings about the world and myself.

One thing, is i am beginning to understand how easily disposable i am to people. Sure they can claim you mean alot to them, they can spend countless hours with you, they can create memories with you that youll never forget, but in the end, they are willing to discard you like yesterdays classifieds. If i were to count the number of times in this school year alone, the total comes to five people. Five people who found something better. More exciting. How am i supposed to react to that? Knowing that maybe i truely dont mean much to anyone in this world? That ill be replaced each time with some brand new model. That i may never be quite enough for someone. Its a bitter yet inevitable realization. And its funny that people dont even realize it. They are blind to the fact im writing this to them.

SOS

See I told you I would forget about this thing eventually. But as Im sitting at my dads house in a rather unwelcoming mood, I need something. I need some way of releasing these feelings. I feel like my insides are literally having a civil war inside of me. I feel uneasy. I feel like I have no idea who I am anymore. I feel like everything within me is conflicting. I hate this feeling. I just wanna run away right now. Leave the present, forget the past, and leap into the future. So many things that I wish I could change about myself, about the world. And I feel utterly stuck. I wanna emotionally explode. I feel it coming on. I just want to know. I want to not know. I need to find out. I cant concentrate. I cant focus. I cant do anything. I feel so out of place right now. I dont know how I got to feeling this way. I dont know what can help. I dont know who can help. The only thing I know, is I need to escape.